randomness...

my grandma died last night. thank you to everyone who was praying for her and my family. seriously... you have no idea how much it means to me. it is very sad, but she died peacefully and she is no longer suffering. that is good.
it's funny how much i've learned about my family and myself this week. i've realized just why i am the way i am when it comes to dealing with tragedy. honestly, it's funny. i never really thought about it, but i am completely a product of my family, especially when it comes to this.
it really hasn't been as hard for me as it seems like it should. yes, it has been hard and frustrating and it's raised a lot of questions, but i don't feel as affected as i feel like i should. i do love my grandma... i really do. and i really will miss her, and i'm not at all happy about her being gone. but i think it's because i know where she is. i know that she is exactly where she has wanted to be since she found out about her als, and that makes me happy for her. she's no longer in pain, and she no longer has to worry about all of her family taking care of her.
i don't know how i would ever get through anything if i didn't have God. seriously... how do people do it? i just get all my comfort and my joy from Him. i just can't imagine any other way to truly get comfort in a situation like this. it is because i know that He is good and that He is in control and that she is with Him that i can be so okay with this.
the funeral, which is actually a memorial service because she donated her body to science (sweet, right?) is not until february. 2 days after my birthday. i think that's weird, but it's because that's when my out-of-town relatives can come. but i'm going to try to learn a song on the piano before then. i think she would like that :) so in the meantime, we're going to golden corral to get my grandma's favorite... breakfast. haha!

on a completely unrelated note... i'm slightly obsessed with the tudors. i think it's so good! anyways, in the show they always send messages and they seal them with wax. i think that is awesome... so i bought sealing wax. and a seal. and then i decided i need some sweet paper because it seems wrong to seal boring old lined paper with sealing wax, so i'm getting that when i get back to school. and then i will send letters galore. so for those of you who might be expecting a letter already and haven't gotten it yet... that is why. i've been getting my supplies.
i feel cooler than usual.

He still is...

this is another post about how good God is. because... well... He is. recently i've been doing this thing where i remember God in the little things. i praise Him for the simplest blessings in life, and i praise Him for the things He does even in the hard times. i've found that it really does make it so much easier to have joy!
today was a little weird.
first i realized that i lost a check that i got for babysitting last night. it was really out of my own foolishness and just not paying attention. last night on my way home from the people's house, my car was acting weird so i pulled over into a gas station. i called my dad, and he told me to buy some stuff for the engine. well, while i was on the phone with him worrying about getting home, i must have knocked the check out of my purse when i got my wallet. really, i can live without the money (not that it doesn't come in handy, but i never really had it to begin with, so i didn't really miss it.). i just didn't want to have to tell the people whose children i am supposed to take care of that i did something so irresponsible. well, i called the gas station tonight knowing it was a long shot, but they have my check! the guy there last night found it after i left and kept it there! seriously... praise God for that. it could have been found by someone who would try to cash it, or it could have just been lost. but instead, a very nice man happened to find it and keep it for me. so good!
and on a more sober note... today i found out that my grandma is not doing well. she was diagnosed with ALS a while ago, which is pretty crappy. really crappy, actually. and today she really took a turn for the worst. my mom told me that she might not make it through the week. it is the weirdest thing ever knowing that. and it's scary. and it's sad. i don't really want to write it all down here... mainly because i don't really know what to say. but all i can say is that, even though this is hard and sucks, i have hope because i know that God has everything in His hands. and she loves Him, and she will be with Him, and He will be glorified somehow in all of this.
but please, if you think about it, keep her and my family in your prayers.
and remember who God is...

my junk

i have been listening to the spring awakening soundtrack literally every single day (multiple times a day) since christmas, and i'm still not sick of it. not only am i not sick of it, but i still get excited every time one of the songs comes on. seriously... i don't know why. i just love it so much. i don't know if it's because of the excitement and significance of seeing it, or if it's just that good. i would say a little of both...

PASSED!

i passed i passed i passed! i am talking about my math clep test... i took it today, and i didn't think i was going to pass. you know how sometimes you'll be worried about something, but then once you start it you realize it isn't so bad? that is not what happened with this test. literally the whole time i was thinking that i was going to fail. i was only confident on maybe 10 of my answers. so needless to say, i was very excited when i passed :)
praise God! seriously... praise Him. He's the reason. and He's good.

math... boo!

i'm taking the test to clep out of math on friday, and i just started studying today. i wish i would have taken the test my freshman year... i used to know all this stuff but now it's just hard! hopefully my mad test taking skills will come in handy...
i don't know what's wrong with me, but i can never think about what i'm supposed to be thinking about. like right now i'm supposed to be thinking about math, but instead i'm thinking of the chronicles of narnia (specifically, they voyage of the dawn treader). it's a great book... definitely my favorite of the series.
i remember one time i was talking to a friend of mine and i asked him what his favorite cs lewis book is (i don't even remember why... that's kinda a nerdy thing to ask. and i've only ever read like 2 cs lewis books outside the narnia series, so i'm not sure where i was going with that question. whatever.) anyways... he said the voyage of the dawn treader. i remember being taken aback by his answer because a)he's very smart, so i expected him to say one of the more "smart" options and b)that's my favorite (at least in the series) and i had literally just read it. but then something happened, and i don't think i ever told him that's my favorite too. it is. and here is why:
dawn treader is where we meet cousin eustace, who is the bratty little toolbag cousin of the main narnia kids. he's seriously the biggest butthead. and there's this one part in the book where he goes off and gets turned into a dragon. and he lives as a dragon for a few weeks, and he's miserable and cries a lot, but he's really sorry for the way he's acted toward everyone, so he helps them out the best he can as a dragon. well, then one night Aslan comes to him and tells eustace to follow him up to the top of this hill where there is a well. and then he tells him to undress, so eustace tries 3 times to scratch off his skin, and just when he thinks it's off and he'll get to jump in the water, he sees that his dragon skin is still there. but Aslan takes his lion claws and digs deeper than eustace ever could, and he completely removes all of the dragon skin, then he picks him up and throws him into the water. the whole process is painful and hard and eustace doesn't like it at first, but he then realizes how much of a relief it is and how much better he feels.

i just love this story so much. i think it's such an awesome example of grace and the way that God loves us and wants to change us. even though it's hard and it hurts and it's scary, it is so refreshing to allow Him to work through all our junk. and i love that the story is more than just about grace--it's about the importance of remembering that grace. it goes on to talk about the way that eustace was changed after that. he was kinder and better and sometimes he messed up and went back to his old ways, but he was constantly working on being a better person because of the way that Aslan worked in his life.
and that is what i'm thinking about right now...

top 10

here are the 10 things i am most looking forward to for 2010:

10-new movies coming out. i'm a big loser for that one... i know.

9-summer in my house :)

8-my birthday (let's be real... that's every year)

7-meeting new people

6-taking piano lessons!

5-figuring out how to travel on my limited (meaning nonexistent) means

4-not knowing anything, but doing life one day at a time

3-figuring out what i'm going to do when i'm done with school... probably it's teaching overseas, but who knows really...

2-graduating!

1-seeing what plans God decides to change, and which ones actually happen :)

antsy pants

i just got my first lesson for my tefl certification today. i've started it... it's not too hard. but there's a problem:
i'm antsy. i don't feel like sitting still right now. i just want to do something... something awesome. i don't even know what.
i've felt like this for the last few days. i haven't even been able to sleep in, which, for anyone who knows me, is a huge deal.
i feel like i have so much on my mind, but really i don't. it's weird.
i just wrote a lot of stuff then changed my mind about putting it up here.
i'm going for a walk.