i'm stuck in my house. it's october and i'm snowed in. it's not supposed to snow until halloween. right now it's supposed to be fall... i love fall! i never realized how much i love fall until this fall came, and i fell in love with it. i've said it before, but i really think it's because i haven't seen fall in 2 years. i didn't have it last year... fall here is springtime in oz. so a year ago i was in the heat... which was lovely and awesome, but now i love the fall.
it's crazy to think of where i was a year ago. i can actually remember it pretty clearly...
we were planning our halloween party in the flat. i still didn't know what i was gonna be. actually i can remember almost exactly what i was doing at probably about exactly this time... i was sitting in my theological foundations class with elle writing notes and drawing pictures of costume ideas and wondering who would show up. i probably still have the drawing somewhere... weird.
i can't believe that it's already been a year. it's amazing how fast it has gone...
a year ago i never would have guessed that i would be where i am now. i never would have predicted how hard last semester would be, or how amazing my summer would be, or how weird this semester would be.
it's so crazy how the things that i had planned for myself are not even close to what has happened. if someone would have asked me 5 years ago what my life would be like during the first semester of my senior year of college, i would never in a million years have thought that it would be like this. i thought that i would be on my way to getting married. i thought that i would have my life figured out. i thought that i would know what i was going to do, and i would probably have a job lined up already. i thought that i would be excited and sure about what was coming. i thought that i would be completely ready for anything.
oh naive little me...
i wish that i could go back and talk to myself then...
i would tell myself to stop planning around things that haven't even happened yet. stop assuming that things will fall into place the way that you hope they will. stop thinking that you are going to wake up one day more mature and sure of who you are and what you're meant to do. go do something that scares you. meet someone new. don't build things up in your head or think that you can make them turn out the way you want. just trust... really trust.
i wish that i could take my own advice. i wish that i were braver. i wish that i wasn't lazy. i wish that i knew what i wanted. i wish that i could be content with exactly where i am. i wish that i was motivated. i wish that something exciting would happen to me. i wish that i could really trust.
i'm not trying to complain. i'm really not unhappy. i know that i'm blessed beyond anything i could hope for. i know that God has a plan for me. i know that He knows what i need better than i ever could. i know that i can rest in that and know that He will work my life out.
sometimes it's just hard to see things happening to people that i thought would be happening to me and wonder why i am not there... does that make sense?
here's what i'm going to do:
i'm going to do the things that i always tell myself to do. i'm going to do the things that i wish that i did. and i'm going to see how that works out...
i'll probably write about it on here. so it will be like i have someone holding me accountable.
first thing i'm going to do: write letters. snail mail my friends. if you give me your address i'll write you a letter. or i might just write you one and then ask you for your address. but if you want one and you want to be sure you get one... give me your address now.
o yea... and if you're wondering who the really sad looking child in that picture is... it's my mom :) precious.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
God is good.
it's slightly ridiculous how much i absolutely hate writing papers... but i really don't mind writing on here! it's been a while... a really long time. and i guess there have been stories, but it can't really think of any right now. that's sad. but i can say that God has been teaching me lots.
for the last months... actually close to the last year... i've been in what can only be described as a funk. i thought that going abroad would help get me out of it, but it really didn't. it was great, and it provided some temporary excitement, but when i came to my walk with God, it really didn't make a difference. i guess i just really haven't been seeing God moving in my life recently, and that's hard. it's just seemed like i'm stuck in my little christian school bubble, knowing all the right words to say, but not really feeling any of it. and i feel like everyone i've talked to has been in the same place. but last weekend i had easily the most encouraging conversation i've had in over a year, and now i'm not so bitter. i got the chance to hang out with a good friend who i haven't gotten to hang out with in a long time, and we met up with another friend from high school. it was so incredible to hear and see what God has been doing in his life... it made me realize that God really is still at work. i've known that, but i just haven't really been seeing it lately. but i was reminded of what true surrender really means, and that God really is good, even when it seems like He is asking too much of us. it made me hopeful and excited for the future, but also excited for right now. it seems like the theme this week for me has just been about making my time meaningful, no matter where i'm at. only when i truly surrender my life and time and relationships to His purposes will i be able to taste and see His complete goodness :)
for the last months... actually close to the last year... i've been in what can only be described as a funk. i thought that going abroad would help get me out of it, but it really didn't. it was great, and it provided some temporary excitement, but when i came to my walk with God, it really didn't make a difference. i guess i just really haven't been seeing God moving in my life recently, and that's hard. it's just seemed like i'm stuck in my little christian school bubble, knowing all the right words to say, but not really feeling any of it. and i feel like everyone i've talked to has been in the same place. but last weekend i had easily the most encouraging conversation i've had in over a year, and now i'm not so bitter. i got the chance to hang out with a good friend who i haven't gotten to hang out with in a long time, and we met up with another friend from high school. it was so incredible to hear and see what God has been doing in his life... it made me realize that God really is still at work. i've known that, but i just haven't really been seeing it lately. but i was reminded of what true surrender really means, and that God really is good, even when it seems like He is asking too much of us. it made me hopeful and excited for the future, but also excited for right now. it seems like the theme this week for me has just been about making my time meaningful, no matter where i'm at. only when i truly surrender my life and time and relationships to His purposes will i be able to taste and see His complete goodness :)
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
happy birthday to me :)
i have officially been 21 for 1 hour and 29 minutes.
i still have a paper to write for my class tomorrow...
why is it that the only time i blog is when i have to write a paper? i guess that's procrastination at its finest...
so far being 21 doesn't feel any different than being 20, except that i was convinced to shotgun a beer (ew.) in front of my roommate, who is a chaplain and could get me in trouble if i was not 21. yep... i really hate beer. it's gross, even when you're drinking it so ridiculously fast that you can't actually taste it. now i never have to do that again...
the paper that i have to write is actually on a really interesting book that i read for my cultural anthropology class about these people in papua new guinea called the gebusi. it's an ethnography by this guy who went and lived with them from 1980-82 then went back in 98 to see how much they had changed. at first it made me want to go do that, but then i realized that i do not want to be an anthropologist. i don't want to study people, i just want to hang out with them.
ok... i guess i should go ahead and write my paper now. good thing i have some delicious trail mix for brain food.
i still have a paper to write for my class tomorrow...
why is it that the only time i blog is when i have to write a paper? i guess that's procrastination at its finest...
so far being 21 doesn't feel any different than being 20, except that i was convinced to shotgun a beer (ew.) in front of my roommate, who is a chaplain and could get me in trouble if i was not 21. yep... i really hate beer. it's gross, even when you're drinking it so ridiculously fast that you can't actually taste it. now i never have to do that again...
the paper that i have to write is actually on a really interesting book that i read for my cultural anthropology class about these people in papua new guinea called the gebusi. it's an ethnography by this guy who went and lived with them from 1980-82 then went back in 98 to see how much they had changed. at first it made me want to go do that, but then i realized that i do not want to be an anthropologist. i don't want to study people, i just want to hang out with them.
ok... i guess i should go ahead and write my paper now. good thing i have some delicious trail mix for brain food.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
my favorite place on campus :)
i'm currently sitting in my favorite place on ccu's campus: the study room in the back of the library. i definitely came here to write a paper, but it's not that late yet, and i feel like writing this instead of that right now. let me just tell you about this study room...
it's a good 15 degrees hotter than the rest of the library... seriously, you walk in and it's like a wall of muggy heat. it's awesome. normally i hate heat like that, but for some reason in this room it's okay with me. it's about 6 feet square, and it has a slanty ceiling that makes it feel even smaller. there are 3 chairs around a table that's entirely too big for the room, and if you tried to actually have 3 people in here, you'd probably pass out after about 4 minutes from heat stroke. right now it probably smells like stinky feet because i took off my mocs (my feet were hot...). you'd think that this room would be awful. but i love it. it's been my favorite place since freshman year when i discovered it. that was when i decided the library was my favorite place on campus. haha... freshman year my friend erin and i even made goals to make out with someone in a study room (don't worry... hasn't happened yet, and i don't foresee it happening before i graduate). i have spent entirely too much time in this room. i've done heaps of papers, watched movies, had conversations, and taken naps in here. it's just full of memories! there was about a 2-week period last year when my friend steff and i would skip chapel to watch political african movies in the study room. it was awesome! we watched the last king of scotland and hotel rwanda. both are good movies... you should watch them.
i think some of my favorite ccu memories have happened in the library, or they started out in the library. it's a good place.
ok... i'm gonna write my paper now. ew.
it's a good 15 degrees hotter than the rest of the library... seriously, you walk in and it's like a wall of muggy heat. it's awesome. normally i hate heat like that, but for some reason in this room it's okay with me. it's about 6 feet square, and it has a slanty ceiling that makes it feel even smaller. there are 3 chairs around a table that's entirely too big for the room, and if you tried to actually have 3 people in here, you'd probably pass out after about 4 minutes from heat stroke. right now it probably smells like stinky feet because i took off my mocs (my feet were hot...). you'd think that this room would be awful. but i love it. it's been my favorite place since freshman year when i discovered it. that was when i decided the library was my favorite place on campus. haha... freshman year my friend erin and i even made goals to make out with someone in a study room (don't worry... hasn't happened yet, and i don't foresee it happening before i graduate). i have spent entirely too much time in this room. i've done heaps of papers, watched movies, had conversations, and taken naps in here. it's just full of memories! there was about a 2-week period last year when my friend steff and i would skip chapel to watch political african movies in the study room. it was awesome! we watched the last king of scotland and hotel rwanda. both are good movies... you should watch them.
i think some of my favorite ccu memories have happened in the library, or they started out in the library. it's a good place.
ok... i'm gonna write my paper now. ew.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
things about me...
so... i wasn't gonna do this blog thing after i got back from oz. and i still don't know how much i'll do it... even though dana told me i should keep it up :)
there's this thing that i've seen like 10 of my friends do on facebook that you're supposed to tag people to do and such, but i don't want to do it in a facebook note and i don't want to tag people to do it. so i'll just do it on here. basically you're supposed to write 25 random facts about yourself... so here are 25 things you may or may not have known about me!
1-i am incredibly impatient and antsy. i hate being in the same place for too long, and i'm already looking forward to moving away again.
2-i have ridiculously small pinky toenails. yea... it's weird. i never even realized it until people started pointing it out...
3-i go back and forth everyday about what i want out of life.
4-i still haven't figured out what it means to surrender and fully trust God. i don't know if anyone really knows how to do it.
5-i love celebrity gossip. i know it's shallow and stupid and doesn't matter, but i don't care. i like it.
6-i am way more of a cat person. i wouldn't be surprised if i never have a dog of my own.
7-i think life would be much more pleasant if money weren't an issue. and that's why i probably will never have any.
8-i have never been on a real date. or had a real boyfriend.
9-i HATE politics. seriously. ew.
10-my favorite color is green. really, i switch between colors all the time, but i always go back to green.
11-i wish i could live by the whole "sleep when you're dead" idea, but i really like sleep.
12-sometimes i write stuff down in my head, like i'm writing a book about my life, but i never actually write it down for real. i don't think someone would want to read a book about my life.
13-i am terrible at keeping in touch with people. i'm trying to get better at it.
14-i think it would be awesome to be fluent in a foreign language, but i'm too impatient to learn one.
15-i used to want to get married really young, but now i can't even imagine being in any sort of relationship right now, let alone being married. there's too much i want to do.
16-i hate working out. i love physical activity, but if it involves gym equipment or running for no reason, i hate it.
17-i want Jesus to be the center of my being, my everything, the reason i wake up in the morning. right now i'm not there...
18-i disagree with everything las vegas is about, and i could never spend any significant amount of time there, but i'm fascinated by it. i think everyone should go there at least once in their lifetime.
19-i love my family. lots.
20-i don't think it's worth worrying about the things i can't control, or stressing out about the things i can. sometimes that gets me into trouble, but it's worth it!
21-i love college. i love learning and being on campus and the whole lifestyle of it. it's fun.
22-i don't ever want to stop learning, but i probably will never go back to school after i graduate. i think there's too much learning to be done outside of the classroom.
23-one of my biggest pet peeves is when people use words without knowing the meaning--especially when they use it for the opposite of what it really means. another one is when people chew really loudly. it drives me nuts.
24-i love colorado. i never realized what a great place it is until i left. i love the fact that i was born and raised here. it really makes me proud. i still want to leave though...
25-if i could go back to any time, i would go back and hang out with my parents throughout their teen years and when they were my age. i would love to see how they and their families were back then.
ok... there's 25 things about me. it was surprisingly difficult to come up with that many... weird.
there's this thing that i've seen like 10 of my friends do on facebook that you're supposed to tag people to do and such, but i don't want to do it in a facebook note and i don't want to tag people to do it. so i'll just do it on here. basically you're supposed to write 25 random facts about yourself... so here are 25 things you may or may not have known about me!
1-i am incredibly impatient and antsy. i hate being in the same place for too long, and i'm already looking forward to moving away again.
2-i have ridiculously small pinky toenails. yea... it's weird. i never even realized it until people started pointing it out...
3-i go back and forth everyday about what i want out of life.
4-i still haven't figured out what it means to surrender and fully trust God. i don't know if anyone really knows how to do it.
5-i love celebrity gossip. i know it's shallow and stupid and doesn't matter, but i don't care. i like it.
6-i am way more of a cat person. i wouldn't be surprised if i never have a dog of my own.
7-i think life would be much more pleasant if money weren't an issue. and that's why i probably will never have any.
8-i have never been on a real date. or had a real boyfriend.
9-i HATE politics. seriously. ew.
10-my favorite color is green. really, i switch between colors all the time, but i always go back to green.
11-i wish i could live by the whole "sleep when you're dead" idea, but i really like sleep.
12-sometimes i write stuff down in my head, like i'm writing a book about my life, but i never actually write it down for real. i don't think someone would want to read a book about my life.
13-i am terrible at keeping in touch with people. i'm trying to get better at it.
14-i think it would be awesome to be fluent in a foreign language, but i'm too impatient to learn one.
15-i used to want to get married really young, but now i can't even imagine being in any sort of relationship right now, let alone being married. there's too much i want to do.
16-i hate working out. i love physical activity, but if it involves gym equipment or running for no reason, i hate it.
17-i want Jesus to be the center of my being, my everything, the reason i wake up in the morning. right now i'm not there...
18-i disagree with everything las vegas is about, and i could never spend any significant amount of time there, but i'm fascinated by it. i think everyone should go there at least once in their lifetime.
19-i love my family. lots.
20-i don't think it's worth worrying about the things i can't control, or stressing out about the things i can. sometimes that gets me into trouble, but it's worth it!
21-i love college. i love learning and being on campus and the whole lifestyle of it. it's fun.
22-i don't ever want to stop learning, but i probably will never go back to school after i graduate. i think there's too much learning to be done outside of the classroom.
23-one of my biggest pet peeves is when people use words without knowing the meaning--especially when they use it for the opposite of what it really means. another one is when people chew really loudly. it drives me nuts.
24-i love colorado. i never realized what a great place it is until i left. i love the fact that i was born and raised here. it really makes me proud. i still want to leave though...
25-if i could go back to any time, i would go back and hang out with my parents throughout their teen years and when they were my age. i would love to see how they and their families were back then.
ok... there's 25 things about me. it was surprisingly difficult to come up with that many... weird.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
kia ora!
that means "hello" in maori. i learned it today, because i'm in NEW ZEALAND!
i'm chillin in an internet cafe right now... haha. all i can say is.... i am DEFINITELY coming back here. i've been here about 24 hours, and i LOVE it already. it's absolutely gorgeous! i had a window seat on the flight in, and i was seriously in awe of how green and beautiful it is here. it's just like in the movies. and even right outside the city it's beautiful and hilly and GREEN! so different to sydney... SO different. i probably won't write anything else about it on here before i leave, because i don't want to get on the internet anymore, but i figured i'd just give that little update :)
SEE YOU ALL SOOOONNN!!!!
i'm chillin in an internet cafe right now... haha. all i can say is.... i am DEFINITELY coming back here. i've been here about 24 hours, and i LOVE it already. it's absolutely gorgeous! i had a window seat on the flight in, and i was seriously in awe of how green and beautiful it is here. it's just like in the movies. and even right outside the city it's beautiful and hilly and GREEN! so different to sydney... SO different. i probably won't write anything else about it on here before i leave, because i don't want to get on the internet anymore, but i figured i'd just give that little update :)
SEE YOU ALL SOOOONNN!!!!
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