stranded.

i'm stuck in my house. it's october and i'm snowed in. it's not supposed to snow until halloween. right now it's supposed to be fall... i love fall! i never realized how much i love fall until this fall came, and i fell in love with it. i've said it before, but i really think it's because i haven't seen fall in 2 years. i didn't have it last year... fall here is springtime in oz. so a year ago i was in the heat... which was lovely and awesome, but now i love the fall.
it's crazy to think of where i was a year ago. i can actually remember it pretty clearly...
we were planning our halloween party in the flat. i still didn't know what i was gonna be. actually i can remember almost exactly what i was doing at probably about exactly this time... i was sitting in my theological foundations class with elle writing notes and drawing pictures of costume ideas and wondering who would show up. i probably still have the drawing somewhere... weird.
i can't believe that it's already been a year. it's amazing how fast it has gone...
a year ago i never would have guessed that i would be where i am now. i never would have predicted how hard last semester would be, or how amazing my summer would be, or how weird this semester would be.
it's so crazy how the things that i had planned for myself are not even close to what has happened. if someone would have asked me 5 years ago what my life would be like during the first semester of my senior year of college, i would never in a million years have thought that it would be like this. i thought that i would be on my way to getting married. i thought that i would have my life figured out. i thought that i would know what i was going to do, and i would probably have a job lined up already. i thought that i would be excited and sure about what was coming. i thought that i would be completely ready for anything.
oh naive little me...
i wish that i could go back and talk to myself then...
i would tell myself to stop planning around things that haven't even happened yet. stop assuming that things will fall into place the way that you hope they will. stop thinking that you are going to wake up one day more mature and sure of who you are and what you're meant to do. go do something that scares you. meet someone new. don't build things up in your head or think that you can make them turn out the way you want. just trust... really trust.
i wish that i could take my own advice. i wish that i were braver. i wish that i wasn't lazy. i wish that i knew what i wanted. i wish that i could be content with exactly where i am. i wish that i was motivated. i wish that something exciting would happen to me. i wish that i could really trust.
i'm not trying to complain. i'm really not unhappy. i know that i'm blessed beyond anything i could hope for. i know that God has a plan for me. i know that He knows what i need better than i ever could. i know that i can rest in that and know that He will work my life out.
sometimes it's just hard to see things happening to people that i thought would be happening to me and wonder why i am not there... does that make sense?

here's what i'm going to do:
i'm going to do the things that i always tell myself to do. i'm going to do the things that i wish that i did. and i'm going to see how that works out...
i'll probably write about it on here. so it will be like i have someone holding me accountable.

first thing i'm going to do: write letters. snail mail my friends. if you give me your address i'll write you a letter. or i might just write you one and then ask you for your address. but if you want one and you want to be sure you get one... give me your address now.

o yea... and if you're wondering who the really sad looking child in that picture is... it's my mom :) precious.