i can't sleep.

i don't really know why. i have way too much going through my head... but none of it is really important. it's just stuff...

like what i'm loving right now:

the spring awakening soundtrack

the tudors

my freshly made bed with clean smell-good sheets and a fluffy featherbed

painting

i probably should be thinking about the things i need to do:

sending my rent check

studying for my math clep test

starting my tefl certification

but instead i will let my mind go crazy with the happy.

the most wonderful time of the year

words cannot express my feelings about christmas. i just love it! i love everything about it. it's not even the day or the gifts that i love... it's the whole season. everything is just better at christmastime. tress are all pretty and lit up and there are ugly sweater parties galore and people go ice skating and sing carols and do good things for others. i think christmas is the most romantic time of the year... which is sometimes bittersweet, but mostly just wonderful.
one of my very favorite things about christmas is the music. i know there are a lot of people who can't stand it, but i really think i could listen to christmas music year-round. i always listen to it before thanksgiving too. this is the list of my top ten favorite christmas songs:
1-winter wonderland. this is been my very favorite christmas song for as long as i can remember. my favorite version is amy grant's. i'm not sure why... she skips a whole verse, but i just love it. i can remember back in like 5th grade dancing around the living room and singing to it. so good.
2-have yourself a merry little christmas... the judy garland version. meet me in st. louis is one of my favorite movies, and she sings this song in it. i love it.
3-o holy night. this is my dad's favorite, and that might be one of the reasons that it's mine too. i really like rachael lampa's version... she sang it at my church and it gave me goosebumps. it's just such a pretty song, and it's such a great reminder of the reason for the season :)
4-carol of the bells. this song screams christmas to me... i think it's so awesome and beautiful and sometimes kinda creepy in a weird way. but so so good! since i love boys choirs, i love the vienna boys choir* version.
5-silent night. this one is so simple, and so good. katie herzig does a really beautiful version. or if you want a special monologue that rhymes, listen to the 98 degrees version. it makes me chuckle every time.
6-christmastime by michael w. smith. i love children's choirs and piano. this song is so cool.
7-baby, it's cold outside. i think this song is so cute and wonderful. i love zooey deschanel's voice and her version from elf.
8-rockin around the christmas tree... also amy grant's version. this song is super fun. i just love her whole christmas album (home for christmas)... it's my all time favorite i think.
9-do you hear what i hear? i pretty much like every version i've heard of this, but this year i've been listening to the third day one a lot. it's a little different... but good.
10-santa claus is coming to town. i love santa :) i also have to note... i hate the bruce springsteen version. it bugs me. but the eddy arnold version (from elf) is good :)
and there it is... my top ten list of christmas songs. i love a lot more, but those are just my favorites that i could think of without having to look at my ipod.
and bonus: my roommate and i came up with a little ditty called "christmas cardio." all we really do is flail around and sing at the top of our lungs. it's seriously a great workout and it's so fun! these are the songs we use (they should all be on the list, but i'm putting them here because to put them twice would be redundant.):
1st-all i want for christmas is you... mariah carey. this is a great warmup song, and it's super fun to sing and dance to.
2nd-kay thompson's jingle bells... michael w. smith. this song is lovingly referred to as "jingle bells on crack." listen and you'll know why.
3rd-merry christmas, happy holidays... *nsync. did you really think that i did not love this song? come on now... and the video is a real treat too. it has gary coleman.
4th-the christmas song (christmas don't be late)... alvin and the chipmunks. a: this song reminds me of my childhood. we have videos of christmas morning with this playing in the background. b: it's a great cool down because all you really do is sway and bob.
i hope everyone has a wonderful christmas and remembers what this season is really about :)
*i have no idea why this music is set with harry potter clips, but i'll take it. awesome christmas song + awesome harry potter = double awesome christmas harry potter.

exhausting.

i have never been more aware of God's faithfulness in my life than i am right now. it's not that i have this overwhelming feeling of His presence, or that i am suddenly out of control wanting to talk about His goodness to everyone i see. i guess i have just been seeking Him so much out of pure desperation in the last couple of weeks, and He has shown up in more ways than i can count.
for the last month or so, my baby Missy has been sick (for those who don't know who missy is... well, clearly you don't know me. she's my cat, and i love her like my child.) i won't go into detail, but it's pretty much taken over my mind being worried about her. there were a couple of weeks when she seemed better, but then last sunday my dad called me and told me that she had gotten back to how she was at her worst.
i cried. and prayed. and begged God to heal her.
on monday i had lots of homework. so i did it all day... and tried to keep my mind off of my sick baby at home. but everytime i would think of her i would beg God some more to just make her better.
then on tuesday my dad called me and told me that they were going to put her down. so i left school and went up there to be with her. the whole drive i cried. and begged for a miracle. and got angry. and wondered if i would be able to handle holding her knowing that in a short time, i would take her to die. it sucked.
by the time i got there, she was literally taking her last breaths. i held her. and after just a few breaths, she was gone. and i cried some more with my dad.
and i laughed at myself for crying so much. but if you know me at all, you know that missy is my baby. she is different than any other cat i've ever known, and i've grown up with her. my eyes still water and i still get that hurt-throat feeling when i think that she's not at home waiting for me. i miss her.
but i didn't tell that story because i'm sad. i am. but that's not the point. the point is that the entire time, God was there. He didn't answer my prayer for a miracle. but He knew that, even if a miracle did happen, i would still worry. i would still get that anxiety every time one of my parents called. i would still worry that she was in pain. and i would still dwell on the what-ifs.
He knew that she was hurting. He didn't answer my mom's prayers to let her die because He knew that i needed to hold her. and He has brought me peace. He has reminded me in so many ways that He cares for me. He knows what i need more than i ever will. and because of His faithfulness, i have been able to be okay. i have been able to have fun and laugh and enjoy moments, even though i am sad, because i know that He loves me. i don't know why stuff happens. i just know that God is good, and He gives strength to get through it.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
Matthew 6:26

and on a completely different note, one that is much lighter and more entertaining, and one that i praise God for, even though it's ridiculous:

on thursday i got to hang out with my cousin amber (the Ber in KailBer). we went and saw spring awakening, which was phenomenal. and, almost more exciting, we got to meet CRAIG!

little backstory: when amber lived with me, we had this obsession with the wonderful canadian teen drama degrassi. if you've seen it, you know, and if you haven't, well... it's awesome. so there's this guy on there, the angsty heartthrob of the show, named craig. well, my sophomore year of highschool, the degrassi cast did this thing where a couple of them came to major cities around the US. and they came to denver! so we skipped school to meet them, and we hoped that jake epstein (craig) would be one of the ones that came here. well... sadly, he wasn't. it was just spinner and jay (character names... actors are shane kippel and mike lobel). both are neat, but they just were not who we wanted to see.

anyways, amber was coming out here to visit last week, and i already really wanted to spring awakening, and i knew that it was going to be here when she was. so i was looking at the website and finding out more about the show when i saw that jake epstein was playing the male lead! i literally called amber right that second and told her we were going, and she agreed. **seriously... how awesome that it was coming, and he was here, the exact time that amber was! coincidence? or God's way of cheering me up!** so we went and ended up getting some phenomenal seats (not on stage... dang) and we pretty much peed our pants during the entire show. then afterwards we went around to the stage door and let the other cast members sign our show books while we waited for the one we really wanted to see. then he came out and we got to meet him and it was awesome. except i froze up (literally and figuratively... it was freezing!) and didn't tell him about our quest to meet him so long ago. but it was okay because i loved hanging out with amber.

and kailber's life came full circle!

well then on sunday i decided that i just wanted to see the show again, and since rush tickets were so cheap, i was just gonna go. i convinced bryan at the very last minute to come down and see it with me (i would have gone by myself... it's that awesome, but i knew he would like it). then afterwards i made him go to the stage door with me so i could tell jake epstein the story. he totally appreciated it and said he wished i had my tshirt (which i was supposed to, but my mom forgot to send it with bryan. it's ok though i probably stressed her out by making her rush him out the door). haha... i am awkward, and it was weird... but totally worth it :)

oops... i did not mean to make this so long. last week was a big one though! isn't God just so wonderful!

really?

why do teachers assign things that will ruin their lives??
i have to write a 12 page paper about sweden's government. that's not even interesting if you love politics.
did he not think about the fact that he is going to have to read 30 12-page papers about different governments?
FAIL.

stranded.

i'm stuck in my house. it's october and i'm snowed in. it's not supposed to snow until halloween. right now it's supposed to be fall... i love fall! i never realized how much i love fall until this fall came, and i fell in love with it. i've said it before, but i really think it's because i haven't seen fall in 2 years. i didn't have it last year... fall here is springtime in oz. so a year ago i was in the heat... which was lovely and awesome, but now i love the fall.
it's crazy to think of where i was a year ago. i can actually remember it pretty clearly...
we were planning our halloween party in the flat. i still didn't know what i was gonna be. actually i can remember almost exactly what i was doing at probably about exactly this time... i was sitting in my theological foundations class with elle writing notes and drawing pictures of costume ideas and wondering who would show up. i probably still have the drawing somewhere... weird.
i can't believe that it's already been a year. it's amazing how fast it has gone...
a year ago i never would have guessed that i would be where i am now. i never would have predicted how hard last semester would be, or how amazing my summer would be, or how weird this semester would be.
it's so crazy how the things that i had planned for myself are not even close to what has happened. if someone would have asked me 5 years ago what my life would be like during the first semester of my senior year of college, i would never in a million years have thought that it would be like this. i thought that i would be on my way to getting married. i thought that i would have my life figured out. i thought that i would know what i was going to do, and i would probably have a job lined up already. i thought that i would be excited and sure about what was coming. i thought that i would be completely ready for anything.
oh naive little me...
i wish that i could go back and talk to myself then...
i would tell myself to stop planning around things that haven't even happened yet. stop assuming that things will fall into place the way that you hope they will. stop thinking that you are going to wake up one day more mature and sure of who you are and what you're meant to do. go do something that scares you. meet someone new. don't build things up in your head or think that you can make them turn out the way you want. just trust... really trust.
i wish that i could take my own advice. i wish that i were braver. i wish that i wasn't lazy. i wish that i knew what i wanted. i wish that i could be content with exactly where i am. i wish that i was motivated. i wish that something exciting would happen to me. i wish that i could really trust.
i'm not trying to complain. i'm really not unhappy. i know that i'm blessed beyond anything i could hope for. i know that God has a plan for me. i know that He knows what i need better than i ever could. i know that i can rest in that and know that He will work my life out.
sometimes it's just hard to see things happening to people that i thought would be happening to me and wonder why i am not there... does that make sense?

here's what i'm going to do:
i'm going to do the things that i always tell myself to do. i'm going to do the things that i wish that i did. and i'm going to see how that works out...
i'll probably write about it on here. so it will be like i have someone holding me accountable.

first thing i'm going to do: write letters. snail mail my friends. if you give me your address i'll write you a letter. or i might just write you one and then ask you for your address. but if you want one and you want to be sure you get one... give me your address now.

o yea... and if you're wondering who the really sad looking child in that picture is... it's my mom :) precious.

God is good.

it's slightly ridiculous how much i absolutely hate writing papers... but i really don't mind writing on here! it's been a while... a really long time. and i guess there have been stories, but it can't really think of any right now. that's sad. but i can say that God has been teaching me lots.
for the last months... actually close to the last year... i've been in what can only be described as a funk. i thought that going abroad would help get me out of it, but it really didn't. it was great, and it provided some temporary excitement, but when i came to my walk with God, it really didn't make a difference. i guess i just really haven't been seeing God moving in my life recently, and that's hard. it's just seemed like i'm stuck in my little christian school bubble, knowing all the right words to say, but not really feeling any of it. and i feel like everyone i've talked to has been in the same place. but last weekend i had easily the most encouraging conversation i've had in over a year, and now i'm not so bitter. i got the chance to hang out with a good friend who i haven't gotten to hang out with in a long time, and we met up with another friend from high school. it was so incredible to hear and see what God has been doing in his life... it made me realize that God really is still at work. i've known that, but i just haven't really been seeing it lately. but i was reminded of what true surrender really means, and that God really is good, even when it seems like He is asking too much of us. it made me hopeful and excited for the future, but also excited for right now. it seems like the theme this week for me has just been about making my time meaningful, no matter where i'm at. only when i truly surrender my life and time and relationships to His purposes will i be able to taste and see His complete goodness :)

aaaannnndddd... this is why i love my mom.

well... it's not the only reason. but it's one :)

happy birthday to me :)

i have officially been 21 for 1 hour and 29 minutes.
i still have a paper to write for my class tomorrow...
why is it that the only time i blog is when i have to write a paper? i guess that's procrastination at its finest...
so far being 21 doesn't feel any different than being 20, except that i was convinced to shotgun a beer (ew.) in front of my roommate, who is a chaplain and could get me in trouble if i was not 21. yep... i really hate beer. it's gross, even when you're drinking it so ridiculously fast that you can't actually taste it. now i never have to do that again...
the paper that i have to write is actually on a really interesting book that i read for my cultural anthropology class about these people in papua new guinea called the gebusi. it's an ethnography by this guy who went and lived with them from 1980-82 then went back in 98 to see how much they had changed. at first it made me want to go do that, but then i realized that i do not want to be an anthropologist. i don't want to study people, i just want to hang out with them.
ok... i guess i should go ahead and write my paper now. good thing i have some delicious trail mix for brain food.

my favorite place on campus :)

i'm currently sitting in my favorite place on ccu's campus: the study room in the back of the library. i definitely came here to write a paper, but it's not that late yet, and i feel like writing this instead of that right now. let me just tell you about this study room...
it's a good 15 degrees hotter than the rest of the library... seriously, you walk in and it's like a wall of muggy heat. it's awesome. normally i hate heat like that, but for some reason in this room it's okay with me. it's about 6 feet square, and it has a slanty ceiling that makes it feel even smaller. there are 3 chairs around a table that's entirely too big for the room, and if you tried to actually have 3 people in here, you'd probably pass out after about 4 minutes from heat stroke. right now it probably smells like stinky feet because i took off my mocs (my feet were hot...). you'd think that this room would be awful. but i love it. it's been my favorite place since freshman year when i discovered it. that was when i decided the library was my favorite place on campus. haha... freshman year my friend erin and i even made goals to make out with someone in a study room (don't worry... hasn't happened yet, and i don't foresee it happening before i graduate). i have spent entirely too much time in this room. i've done heaps of papers, watched movies, had conversations, and taken naps in here. it's just full of memories! there was about a 2-week period last year when my friend steff and i would skip chapel to watch political african movies in the study room. it was awesome! we watched the last king of scotland and hotel rwanda. both are good movies... you should watch them.
i think some of my favorite ccu memories have happened in the library, or they started out in the library. it's a good place.
ok... i'm gonna write my paper now. ew.

things about me...

so... i wasn't gonna do this blog thing after i got back from oz. and i still don't know how much i'll do it... even though dana told me i should keep it up :)
there's this thing that i've seen like 10 of my friends do on facebook that you're supposed to tag people to do and such, but i don't want to do it in a facebook note and i don't want to tag people to do it. so i'll just do it on here. basically you're supposed to write 25 random facts about yourself... so here are 25 things you may or may not have known about me!

1-i am incredibly impatient and antsy. i hate being in the same place for too long, and i'm already looking forward to moving away again.
2-i have ridiculously small pinky toenails. yea... it's weird. i never even realized it until people started pointing it out...
3-i go back and forth everyday about what i want out of life.
4-i still haven't figured out what it means to surrender and fully trust God. i don't know if anyone really knows how to do it.
5-i love celebrity gossip. i know it's shallow and stupid and doesn't matter, but i don't care. i like it.
6-i am way more of a cat person. i wouldn't be surprised if i never have a dog of my own.
7-i think life would be much more pleasant if money weren't an issue. and that's why i probably will never have any.
8-i have never been on a real date. or had a real boyfriend.
9-i HATE politics. seriously. ew.
10-my favorite color is green. really, i switch between colors all the time, but i always go back to green.
11-i wish i could live by the whole "sleep when you're dead" idea, but i really like sleep.
12-sometimes i write stuff down in my head, like i'm writing a book about my life, but i never actually write it down for real. i don't think someone would want to read a book about my life.
13-i am terrible at keeping in touch with people. i'm trying to get better at it.
14-i think it would be awesome to be fluent in a foreign language, but i'm too impatient to learn one.
15-i used to want to get married really young, but now i can't even imagine being in any sort of relationship right now, let alone being married. there's too much i want to do.
16-i hate working out. i love physical activity, but if it involves gym equipment or running for no reason, i hate it.
17-i want Jesus to be the center of my being, my everything, the reason i wake up in the morning. right now i'm not there...
18-i disagree with everything las vegas is about, and i could never spend any significant amount of time there, but i'm fascinated by it. i think everyone should go there at least once in their lifetime.
19-i love my family. lots.
20-i don't think it's worth worrying about the things i can't control, or stressing out about the things i can. sometimes that gets me into trouble, but it's worth it!
21-i love college. i love learning and being on campus and the whole lifestyle of it. it's fun.
22-i don't ever want to stop learning, but i probably will never go back to school after i graduate. i think there's too much learning to be done outside of the classroom.
23-one of my biggest pet peeves is when people use words without knowing the meaning--especially when they use it for the opposite of what it really means. another one is when people chew really loudly. it drives me nuts.
24-i love colorado. i never realized what a great place it is until i left. i love the fact that i was born and raised here. it really makes me proud. i still want to leave though...
25-if i could go back to any time, i would go back and hang out with my parents throughout their teen years and when they were my age. i would love to see how they and their families were back then.

ok... there's 25 things about me. it was surprisingly difficult to come up with that many... weird.