exhausting.

i have never been more aware of God's faithfulness in my life than i am right now. it's not that i have this overwhelming feeling of His presence, or that i am suddenly out of control wanting to talk about His goodness to everyone i see. i guess i have just been seeking Him so much out of pure desperation in the last couple of weeks, and He has shown up in more ways than i can count.
for the last month or so, my baby Missy has been sick (for those who don't know who missy is... well, clearly you don't know me. she's my cat, and i love her like my child.) i won't go into detail, but it's pretty much taken over my mind being worried about her. there were a couple of weeks when she seemed better, but then last sunday my dad called me and told me that she had gotten back to how she was at her worst.
i cried. and prayed. and begged God to heal her.
on monday i had lots of homework. so i did it all day... and tried to keep my mind off of my sick baby at home. but everytime i would think of her i would beg God some more to just make her better.
then on tuesday my dad called me and told me that they were going to put her down. so i left school and went up there to be with her. the whole drive i cried. and begged for a miracle. and got angry. and wondered if i would be able to handle holding her knowing that in a short time, i would take her to die. it sucked.
by the time i got there, she was literally taking her last breaths. i held her. and after just a few breaths, she was gone. and i cried some more with my dad.
and i laughed at myself for crying so much. but if you know me at all, you know that missy is my baby. she is different than any other cat i've ever known, and i've grown up with her. my eyes still water and i still get that hurt-throat feeling when i think that she's not at home waiting for me. i miss her.
but i didn't tell that story because i'm sad. i am. but that's not the point. the point is that the entire time, God was there. He didn't answer my prayer for a miracle. but He knew that, even if a miracle did happen, i would still worry. i would still get that anxiety every time one of my parents called. i would still worry that she was in pain. and i would still dwell on the what-ifs.
He knew that she was hurting. He didn't answer my mom's prayers to let her die because He knew that i needed to hold her. and He has brought me peace. He has reminded me in so many ways that He cares for me. He knows what i need more than i ever will. and because of His faithfulness, i have been able to be okay. i have been able to have fun and laugh and enjoy moments, even though i am sad, because i know that He loves me. i don't know why stuff happens. i just know that God is good, and He gives strength to get through it.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
Matthew 6:26

and on a completely different note, one that is much lighter and more entertaining, and one that i praise God for, even though it's ridiculous:

on thursday i got to hang out with my cousin amber (the Ber in KailBer). we went and saw spring awakening, which was phenomenal. and, almost more exciting, we got to meet CRAIG!

little backstory: when amber lived with me, we had this obsession with the wonderful canadian teen drama degrassi. if you've seen it, you know, and if you haven't, well... it's awesome. so there's this guy on there, the angsty heartthrob of the show, named craig. well, my sophomore year of highschool, the degrassi cast did this thing where a couple of them came to major cities around the US. and they came to denver! so we skipped school to meet them, and we hoped that jake epstein (craig) would be one of the ones that came here. well... sadly, he wasn't. it was just spinner and jay (character names... actors are shane kippel and mike lobel). both are neat, but they just were not who we wanted to see.

anyways, amber was coming out here to visit last week, and i already really wanted to spring awakening, and i knew that it was going to be here when she was. so i was looking at the website and finding out more about the show when i saw that jake epstein was playing the male lead! i literally called amber right that second and told her we were going, and she agreed. **seriously... how awesome that it was coming, and he was here, the exact time that amber was! coincidence? or God's way of cheering me up!** so we went and ended up getting some phenomenal seats (not on stage... dang) and we pretty much peed our pants during the entire show. then afterwards we went around to the stage door and let the other cast members sign our show books while we waited for the one we really wanted to see. then he came out and we got to meet him and it was awesome. except i froze up (literally and figuratively... it was freezing!) and didn't tell him about our quest to meet him so long ago. but it was okay because i loved hanging out with amber.

and kailber's life came full circle!

well then on sunday i decided that i just wanted to see the show again, and since rush tickets were so cheap, i was just gonna go. i convinced bryan at the very last minute to come down and see it with me (i would have gone by myself... it's that awesome, but i knew he would like it). then afterwards i made him go to the stage door with me so i could tell jake epstein the story. he totally appreciated it and said he wished i had my tshirt (which i was supposed to, but my mom forgot to send it with bryan. it's ok though i probably stressed her out by making her rush him out the door). haha... i am awkward, and it was weird... but totally worth it :)

oops... i did not mean to make this so long. last week was a big one though! isn't God just so wonderful!