thankful

*warning: this is a long and rambly thought-dump. if you want to skip to the end, go for it.*

today i stayed home from school with a migraine. honestly, i probably could have gone and been just fine. yesterday it came in the afternoon, and i laid in my office with my head on my desk feeling sorry for myself. then this morning when i woke up i had a little headache, so i called in because i didn't want to be at school feeling miserable again. i can fight through not being able to breathe, stomachaches, body pain, and most other things. but when it comes to headaches, i'm a giant baby. pair that with a little bit of nausea, and it's just not worth it to me. so i've had a long day of lying in bed, watching movies and cuddling with madeline. it's been a much needed rest.

today is also thanksgiving. at the middle school i've been teaching about thanksgiving this week, and i've ended the lesson with the most important part: it means it's now christmas season! my ct said she can tell i love christmas season just because of how happy i looked when i was talking about it. i've been going back and forth about christmas season this year. i'm definitely forcing it on my middle schoolers... we're decorating the room and spending all of december on christmas stuff. i'm pretty excited. i have a christmas tree and decorations for my apartment... so that should be good. but it's just not the same. i would never expect it to be... they just don't do christmas here like we do at home. it just puts a lot more pressure on me to make it exciting.

i'm not sure if it's because the holidays are coming up, or because i'm just exhausted, or just because i have a lot of thinking time... but i've been really second guessing everything in my life. i do this a lot... i've changed my mind so many times. and every time i always think that God is laying something on my heart. but i'm starting to realize that i really think i'm just acting on my feelings most of the time. and i know that God gives us desires, but what if i don't even know what my desires are? before i came to korea, i was planning on staying 2 years (at least). financially, it makes the most sense to pay off most of my loans and have a lot more freedom to do what i really want (live other places). as of right now, that's still the plan. but in all my thinking lately, i've been second guessing that plan. because now i don't know what my desires are. i miss everyone at home more than i ever thought possible. i knew that i would miss people... because i love you all so much. of course i knew that i would miss you and it would be hard at times. but it's more than just missing people and things. it's this desperate desire to be surrounded by the people i love, to be in the presence of those people who mean more to me than anyone, and who i know love me so deeply. i'm wondering why i ever wanted to leave... why i was so desperate to get out... why i thought i was missing something, when everything i needed was right there.

and then i remember the restlessness i felt right before i left. i remember the last year and a half, wanting just to get out, wondering why anyone would want to stay when they could leave and experience a whole different world. i remember why i came, and how it felt. and i'm glad i'm here. i really am. i know that i will not regret this. i don't regret it.

i'm just not so sure if this is what i want the rest of my life to be like. i'm wondering... what is so wrong with just visiting places? is it really impossible to make a difference in the world while living close to the people i love? is getting my loans paid off quickly really worth being away from everyone? i don't know... i don't even know how i'll feel in a couple hours, let alone the 8 months i have left before i have to decide whether i will sign on for a second year! and so, in the midst of all this wondering and feeling sorry for myself... i will go out, have my first thanksgiving dinner away from home, and carry on with life. because that is what i do.

so if you've read all this... sorry. sorry for the rambling and the whining and the dumping. just know that i really am ok.

and i am thankful. i am thankful for the opportunity i have to be here, to be experiencing something new, to be challenged, to meet new people, to grow closer to God in a completely different way. i am thankful for my amazing family and friends, who i miss so much but who i know will be there when i get back.

i am thankful for my life. i truly am blessed, no matter how much i tend to forget it.

praise God for that.