focus.

so... lately i have not been able to focus.
i've been productive in some areas, but not in the areas that i really need to be. like school. and my tefl, which i should probably have finished by now.
and it's funny because the things like school and my tefl have been on my mind a lot, but i literally have not been able to take all the thoughts i have and focus them enough to put them on paper. it's like i have all these ideas and thoughts and troubling issues floating around in my head, but i can't seem to get them out in a way that makes sense. which is also the reason i haven't been on here. also i've been very busy.
i've been thinking about a few things recently. here is what has been on my mind:

justice

teaching overseas

plans

God's faithfulness

having faith and what it means

contentment

excercise (namely: running!)

the future

the past

missy

people

goals

papers

balance

joy

thankfulness

restlessness

i could keep going. but seriously... my mind is all over the place. i'm supposed to write a paper in my justice class. it's on a book that is one of the best books i've ever read. and it's funny, because i seriously just want to talk about the book and how i feel about it, but i can't get it out to write the paper. make sense? the book is all about justice and how God hates injustice and how we can't just sit idly by and let the terrible injustices around the world happen. but it's not a guilt-inducing type of justice book. it's actually very encouraging and makes me want to go out and do justice. and it makes me feel like i actually can do something. and it brings me back to the place that i've been for so many years where i just want to get out and do it. it makes me frustrated that i still have to finish school and that i'm going to be in so much debt that i can't just go and volunteer and be poor.

and i'm excited about going to korea and i know it's going to be awesome and hopefully by the time i'm done there my debt will be paid, but i wish that i didn't have to limit my options because of money. i hate money.

i just want to go volunteer. all i need is a place to sleep and some food please. someday i will talk about "my cause" on here. but right now it's hard to talk about because i know that what i really want to do is not feasable yet, and that is annoying. and then i get frustrated.

right now i need to write my paper. and work on my tefl. these are things that i need to do, but instead i am doing other things that are not quite as important but still productive and good.

like running. i hate running. i always have. really i've always hated all excercise that comes in the form of going to a gym or purposely doing something for the sake of excercise. except recently that is not the case. turns out i actually love it. not running. i can just stand running now. but i love excercising now. it makes me feel good. and i get urges to do it, which never used to happen. and i feel weird if i go too long without it. and i also get urges to run. which is weird. but actually good because i'm going to run a 5k. and my friend carly is going to run it with me. and then a few weeks after that one i'm going to run another one with my mom. and now that fact is out on the world wide web so she has to. and so do i for that matter. i'm excited.

see... these are the random things that distract me.

also the fact that i haven't written a letter and sealed it with wax in a while, and that is sad. i'll write one. probably tomorrow actually because tonight i have other things that need to be done.

ok... this is just ridiculous now.

praise the Lord for randomness and motivation, even if it is not in the areas that i think i need it the most.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

WOOHOO!!!!!

i just realized how whiny my post from yesterday is. oops.

i promise life is good! because God is good :)

praise the Lord for birthdays and being GOOD!

missed you.

so... i feel like i haven't written anything in a thousand years. even though it hasn't even been a week. the reason is twofold-- a)i've been busy touring breweries and spending time with people i love and b)i've had ridiculous amounts of ups and downs and junk on my mind, and i haven't been able to process it into something writeable (word?).

i still don't know if i've been able to do it. actually... i know i haven't been able to. but i'm getting sick of keeping it all in my head, so it's going on here. it's gonna be random. and it'll probably be long. and it'll be rambly.

so the last couple months i've generally been in pretty wonderful spirits. really, it's the closest i've felt to the Lord in a couple of years, and it's to most content i've been to really not know what's gonna happen. but the last week has been a little bit different. i don't know what changed. i don't actually think anything did.

you know how sometimes you just have those days, or weeks, or, in my case recently, years? it's not that i've been sad or upset or not able to enjoy anything. i've just been in a little bit of a weird mood. things that wouldn't normally bother me have been. and people who i genuinely never get sick of have bothered me. and i've been getting more and more excited to go to korea because i really just want to leave. usually, i'm excited about going because i'm excited about going. but recently, it's been a different kind. like if someone called me tomorrow and told me they were sending me to some awful, remote country, i would jump on the next plane just to get out. and it's funny, because when i think about saying goodbye to everyone my heart hurts, yet i'm still so ready to leave. don't worry... it doesn't make sense in my head either.

so i've diagnosed myself, and, based on previous experience and lots of thinking and asking why, this is what i've come up with:

i hate saying goodbye. and i'm selfish. and, with those 2 things together, i turn stupid. i start getting annoyed at things so i won't miss people so much. and i get mad when anything threatens to ruin my plan that i have so carefully prepared myself for--my plan of going alone and living alone and doing the next few years myself. seriously, it's taken me a good 2 years to get to this place where i'm ok with going alone. and, even though there are a lot of times when i wish that i had someone to go with, for the most part i'm actually excited about it. i know that it will make me stronger. and i know that i will have to rely COMPLETELY on God, and no one else (because that's another thing i've learned: i am waaay too dependent on other people. that's frustrating.). and now that i'm diagnosed, i need to work on all of this.

sometimes i wish i just knew what was going to happen. i wish that someone would just come up and be like, "kailey, here's what you're gonna do. enjoy." life would be so much more simple. except i know that my stubborn ass would never let that happen, and i would do the complete opposite just to spite them.
i guess i can find comfort in knowing that whatever God wants to happen is going to happen, and it will be good. sometimes it's just hard to really trust in that fact...

and on another note: i just want to say a couple of words about the precious peanuts that i nanny. their names are addi and annika, and i love them. seriously... they are so sweet and wonderful, and they crack me up everytime i'm there. they brightened my day today :) not that it was really a bad one... they just made it a thousand times more awesome.
praise the Lord for tiny children and His plan!

ZUMBA!

so... here's the zumba update: it was sweet! it was perfect because i am slightly obsessessed with latin dance, and that is what it's all based around. there's also some belly dancing moves and other stuff. seriously... really fun. and a great workout! i would recommend it. i don't really know what else to say about it... i can't go next week because it's my BIRTHDAY and i'm going to dinner with my family :) but i will definitely be going back after that!
right now i'm watching post grad. it's weird because i'm almost where she's at. i can't believe that i'm in my last semester of college. eek! i don't feel ready for that fact.
HA! here's a funny quote from the movie:

"I know you like the taste, but some kids just don't like having their heads licked."

praise the Lord for fun, wonderful friends, and helping me to get through the rest of school!

justice.

so... i'm back to what got me started back up with this whole blogging thing. i'm sitting here attempting to write a paper, and i just don't feel like doing it. i would rather write about anything else besides karen lebacqz's six theories of justice right now. honestly. and it's funny... because i love the class. and i love the concept. and i love talking and thinking about justice and how we, as Christians trying to live according to Christ's example and what God desires, are supposed to show justice. but when it comes time for me to study the theories and write the paper, i just lose all interest in the subject. that is just the way it works with me i suppose... which is probably something i should work on.
but, in my strong desire to write about anything else, i will write about the class that kicked my butt tonight. see, i (with a little--a lot--of inspiration from my dear friend larissa) have finally decided to attempt what i have been talking about doing for about 3 years now. i am trying to eat healthier and just live healthier, which has actually been going pretty well so far. well, one thing i did as part of my quest was join the rec center. and tonight i went to my first class (with kellie), strength on the ball. we were most definitely the 2 youngest people in the room, which was neat. but i realized just how out of shape i am. it was not unbearable, and i was able to keep up, which was good. but i am already feeling the repurcussions, and i know that i will be feeling it tomorrow. i'm excited... it's my favorite kind of pain (not that i like any other kind of pain... i'm a big baby).
it had no cardio, which is what i need to be doing the most, but wednesday we're going to a zumba class, which i am actually super stoked on! i'll let you know how that goes...
and now i must get back to my paper... pleh.
praise the Lord for justice and the best kind of pain!

joy

i love my dad :) he is a good man. just sayin...

today i discovered the joy of cooking. i've actually always liked cooking, but i don't really do it a lot because our kitchen is crowded and i never have the ingredients i need. also i'm lazy.

but now i'm trying to eat healthier, so i am going to start cooking for myself. and today i had the most joyous cooking experience, and i made a delicious meal. i will give you the recipe (for the whole experience, of course)

to start: you of course need some good music playing. the ideal playlist has fun music that you can dance to, or just that makes you happy. i'm telling you... the music can set the mood for the whole meal. here is a sampling of what i was listening to this evening (really, these are just ideas. you just listen to what you love):

k'naan-take a minute

sublime-rivers of babylon

the killers-mr. brightside

tristan prettyman-simple as it should be

nappy roots-good day (note: i listened to this song every day on my way to work last summer...)

jonas brothers-lovebug

john legend-number one (haha this is an extra special treat... check this kid out! too much time on his hands? i think yes. also, this song is not very kid friendly, and i don't condone what it's about. but it is a very fun song to listen to.)

hanson-penny and me (yep... that hanson.)

now that you have some wonderful music going, make this insanely easy and very tasty recipe.

first get these ingredients:
-chicken breasts
-salt and pepper
-soy sauce
-crushed red pepper
-minced garlic
-an onion
-red and green bell peppers
-olive oil

1-cut up the chicken into strips. put salt and pepper on it.

2-cut up the onion and peppers into strips. set them aside.

3-heat up just a little bit of oil in a pan and put the chicken in it. cook it.

4-while the chicken is cooking, put some soy sauce, garlic, and red pepper in a bowl.

5-once the chicken will no longer give you salmonella (or is cooked just like you like it), put it in the soy sauce mixture and get it all coated. leave it in there.

6-put the vegetables in the pan. cook them.
**at this point i threw the chicken in with the vegetables just for like 2 minutes to spread the flavors around, but it's completely edible and tasty right now.

then you just put it in a dish and voila! a delicious, easy, fast meal that is healthy!
seriously... it took me maybe 30 minutes from start to finish, including all the cutting and stuff!

here's a picture of the finished product

yum yum yum! praise the Lord for good food!

days like this

do you ever have days that are just so randomly good? i don't mean that you are just in a good mood or really good things happen, but they are just so random that it's entertaining? today has been one of those days. nothing too horribly awesome happened, but i think this whole praising thing is making everything better :)
i was more productive than i usually am, and it was good.
and i went to a starbucks that i never go to and met a man named roland. he was nice.
and everyone there was just really cool, and it made me happy.
and last night small group was wonderful. we talked about seeking God and just living life for Him and trusting that no matter what happens, He is working, in the mundane and in the crappy and in the wonderful. He is AWESOME. truly... not in the way that word is thrown around, but in the way it is supposed to be used.
i like today.

update: even better... after writing that ^ i got 2 letters written and sealed in wax, went to sam's and got some tasty and healthy food, and spent time with dear dear friends. AND i forgot to say above that the reason i went to starbucks was to work on my tefl, and i got a unit done!
seriously... praise the Lord for today.