missed you.

so... i feel like i haven't written anything in a thousand years. even though it hasn't even been a week. the reason is twofold-- a)i've been busy touring breweries and spending time with people i love and b)i've had ridiculous amounts of ups and downs and junk on my mind, and i haven't been able to process it into something writeable (word?).

i still don't know if i've been able to do it. actually... i know i haven't been able to. but i'm getting sick of keeping it all in my head, so it's going on here. it's gonna be random. and it'll probably be long. and it'll be rambly.

so the last couple months i've generally been in pretty wonderful spirits. really, it's the closest i've felt to the Lord in a couple of years, and it's to most content i've been to really not know what's gonna happen. but the last week has been a little bit different. i don't know what changed. i don't actually think anything did.

you know how sometimes you just have those days, or weeks, or, in my case recently, years? it's not that i've been sad or upset or not able to enjoy anything. i've just been in a little bit of a weird mood. things that wouldn't normally bother me have been. and people who i genuinely never get sick of have bothered me. and i've been getting more and more excited to go to korea because i really just want to leave. usually, i'm excited about going because i'm excited about going. but recently, it's been a different kind. like if someone called me tomorrow and told me they were sending me to some awful, remote country, i would jump on the next plane just to get out. and it's funny, because when i think about saying goodbye to everyone my heart hurts, yet i'm still so ready to leave. don't worry... it doesn't make sense in my head either.

so i've diagnosed myself, and, based on previous experience and lots of thinking and asking why, this is what i've come up with:

i hate saying goodbye. and i'm selfish. and, with those 2 things together, i turn stupid. i start getting annoyed at things so i won't miss people so much. and i get mad when anything threatens to ruin my plan that i have so carefully prepared myself for--my plan of going alone and living alone and doing the next few years myself. seriously, it's taken me a good 2 years to get to this place where i'm ok with going alone. and, even though there are a lot of times when i wish that i had someone to go with, for the most part i'm actually excited about it. i know that it will make me stronger. and i know that i will have to rely COMPLETELY on God, and no one else (because that's another thing i've learned: i am waaay too dependent on other people. that's frustrating.). and now that i'm diagnosed, i need to work on all of this.

sometimes i wish i just knew what was going to happen. i wish that someone would just come up and be like, "kailey, here's what you're gonna do. enjoy." life would be so much more simple. except i know that my stubborn ass would never let that happen, and i would do the complete opposite just to spite them.
i guess i can find comfort in knowing that whatever God wants to happen is going to happen, and it will be good. sometimes it's just hard to really trust in that fact...

and on another note: i just want to say a couple of words about the precious peanuts that i nanny. their names are addi and annika, and i love them. seriously... they are so sweet and wonderful, and they crack me up everytime i'm there. they brightened my day today :) not that it was really a bad one... they just made it a thousand times more awesome.
praise the Lord for tiny children and His plan!